I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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