It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
