so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
