you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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