and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
