I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
