Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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