You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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