Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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