I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
