After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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