Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
