So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
