There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
