It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
