I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my being single is dangerous.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
