i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
