Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
