Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize