im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
