Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
