I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
