Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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