dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
