my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
