i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize