I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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