i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
