go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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