I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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