I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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