I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
