I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
