Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
