well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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