going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
