I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
