just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
