I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
