you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You're like the curious george of whores
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
