I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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