you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
