Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
