i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
