remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
