I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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