I hate your face
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize