Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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