there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
