I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Its about making memories worth repressing
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
