somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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