my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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