Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
