Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
