Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
