I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
