Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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