I will die if light touches me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
