I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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