I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
