in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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