cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
